The X Factor Auditions (From Western Telegraph)

The X Factor Auditions

3:25pm Friday 1st May 2009

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I'm struggling a bit with my 'good writing' entry so I'm going to put that on the back burner for a while and give my poor, confused brain a bit of a break. In the mean time, I will provide an update on what I did last weekend...

On Saturday I went with three friends to Cardiff, where one of them was auditioning to take part in the X Factor. It was possibly one of the most surreal days I've experienced in recent years. We arrived at the Millennium Stadium later than we'd hoped, as a result of typical dithering, and ended up pretty close to the back of line.

Almost as soon as we took out place in the line we were asked by various people with walkie-talkies and fluorescent jackets to spread out and stand in single file against a wall next to the river, then wave and look happy. We were then herded onto the bridge where we had to repeat the exercise for about 40 minutes (I think – I have a bad sense of time). I assume that this was to make it look super busy. I thought it was pretty busy anyway, but apparently it was not impressive enough.

All four of us were sleep deprived at this point and reacted slightly hysterically to having to stand on a bridge in the wind for what felt like a very long time. My vertigo kicked in and I kept thinking that I was going to drop my handbag (which is always full of at least a few important things) in the river, even though I clearly wasn't, as my handbag wasn't particularly close to the edge of the bridge and I have fully-functioning arms. I also thought I might drop myself over the edge, despite the wall that stood between me and the river.

Eventually we were ushered into the stadium. We were feeling quite smug about this because all of the people in front of us were still standing in the rain and not going anywhere. On our way in, the highlight of the day happened. Dermot O'Leary was standing about 15 feet (ish – I also have a bad sense of space) away from us behind some barriers. So, obviously, I started to wave manically at him and he actually waved back (possibly out of fear – there was a crazed look in my eyes I imagine). At the time, this felt much more exciting than it sounds now. To the point that one of my friends screamed and we all behaved giddily for a while and argued about who could take responsibility for the interaction. Clearly, I think it was me.

Anyway, the excitement wore off somewhat when we were seated on a balcony bit with nothing happening for a while and all the people who were in front of us came in and sat below us. So we did not push in front of everyone. Boo. Then an irritating man spoke to us over a microphone for a while and made us scream and wave and look generally excited. A large flag was passed over the top of all the people below us. Dermot appeared and did some links. All of this took quite a long time and we were far from the excitement on our higher seats so we were starting to lose our 'a famous man waved at us' buzz.

In spite of all the sitting around waiting, there was a pretty good atmosphere. Everyone we met was surprisingly relaxed and we spoke to some really lovely people. A woman who was auditioning told us that she drank a bottle of wine to “calm her nerves”. (We saw her later with a golden ticket. Wine obviously works.) I decided it would be a good idea to take photos of people we spoke to in case they won. I think I came across as being a bit odd/stalkerish, but I can live with that.

We sat around for hours. Waiting. Everyone who was auditioning was called up in rows to go and sing to a producer in a booth for about 30 seconds. People who got through to see executive producers the next day were given yellow slips of paper, or “golden tickets” as the TV people would have you believe. People who got through the next round are called back to see the judges as we know them at some future point. So we watched the thousands of people in front of us going in and coming out of the little black booths and trying to guess who'd be getting through.

Whenever anyone appeared with a golden ticket, people waiting nearby cheered and clapped. Sometimes the people with the tickets just smiled a bit and went on their way and other times they jumped on their friends/partners/family members and it was really lovely to see. Especially when there were people's mums crying with pride. I love that – it makes me tear up a bit (I'm a cryer). Then it suddenly occurred to me that a good proportion of the people who got through have only got through to be humiliated in one of the most public ways possible. And everyone was so happy to get through that they obviously don't think that it'll be them getting laughed at by millions of people in a few months. How depressing.

This gave me a much better understanding of why the people we see on the X Factor are so convinced that they're good. They've already got through two rounds of auditions which thousands of other people haven't. I mean, my friend who auditioned is a really good singer and she didn't get through, so someone who did get through would naturally assume that they were better than people like her – not a million times worse.

I had a great, weird day at the X Factor auditions, but it was also kind of depressing, and not just because my friend didn't get through (although that was sad). I guess I wouldn't be cut out to work for a programme like that, because to take advantage of people in that way, by making them so happy just to humiliate them on completely public platform, would break my heart.